Trusting in the Storm

About 5 years ago, my symptoms had exponentially accelerated, producing significant neuro, cardiac and respiratory complications. 

The doctors had no answers on what was wrong or how to treat it--all the tests came back normal, which they would tell me was "good news," though it didn't feel like it, as the symptoms were both worsening and becoming more numerous.  

I was increasingly concerned that due to the rapid, continual progression of my symptoms and the nature of them, I was looking at the potential of death or severely limited functionality in the near future.

Struggle

I was struggling to find God in the midst of this situation. Why wasn't He changing it? Why wasn't He healing me?  In general, I did not want to die--I had my husband, family, and whole life ahead of me. And I had 3 young children--didn't they need their mom?

This song came up randomly in my feed, but it was a Godsend for me.  Not in a fluffy, "now-I'm-at-peace-everything's-okay-no-big-deal" way, but in a way that challenged me to the depths of my being and simultaneously strengthened my soul. 

And challenge me it did--I didn't want to lay down my dreams, my plans, my hopes for how I wanted my life to be--I thought my plans for my life were pretty good (and reasonably moderate).  I was fighting against my disease (whatever it was, as the doctors had no ideas left)--in my own strength.  

But I was also weary--my own strength was not enough. I couldn't overcome my symptoms or change my condition by my strength and willpower. I was wearing out in resilience and hope, both mentally and emotionally.  

Surrender

Surrendering my hopes and dreams to Christ didn't create immediate physical healing in me, nor was it an easy or comfortable process. And a process it is: a continual handing over, surrendering my will to His own.

Trusting and leaning on His strength and wisdom and plans did bring a peace that passes understanding and gave me strength.  It wasn't some blasé "okay, I'll just trust Jesus, no worries" feeling, but a soul-wrenching handing over my control to Him, trusting Him in the darkness and the storm.  And it was only possible by leaning into truths about who He is--His character, His love, His power, His wisdom.

I have come to learn that peace and joy can coexist with pain and sorrow.  I used to think that they were mutually exclusive, but maybe this is part of the "passes-understanding" aspect of God's peace.  It doesn't really make sense to me, even as I write it, this coexistence between peace and pain, but I have experienced this joy that comes from God while also experiencing sorrow. 

It is not some light, fluffy feeling but a soul-strengthening, life-giving sustenance in the midst of trial.  There are ups and downs still. As I said, it is a process. But this peace that passes understanding has been essential in my journey through illness, and all of life. 

Strength

There will always be trials in life, so if we wait for an absence of hardship to experience peace, we will either be waiting a long time or it will be extremely temporary.  

But when we develop a perspective of surrender and trust, remembering who God is--that every day is in His hands and that He never leaves our side, that He loves us and has demonstrated that love by giving His life for us while we were in rebellion against Him, that our very life and breath are daily gifts from Him, that He is the firm foundation and rock that will uphold us through the trials--we will experience the peace and joy, strength and hope that can only come from Him. 

And this is a continual process--truths I need to daily remind myself about daily.  It is not a "one and done" situation, but core foundational truths that must be in place every day and firmly fastened into place.

This perspective doesn't mean that the hardships won't be hard or that the pain won't be painful.  But we will have strength that comes from Him to persevere and even find joy in the midst of it all when we are truly leaning fully on Him, instead of our own understanding. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE