HOPE

After this journey these past few weeks (a journey that ultimately spans over the past few years and beyond), I’ve come back to the song, Even If:

https://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y?si=iRM2DxUp_Qe0MNCv

It has been meaningful in my journey since I first heard it, but there has been a change in emphasis after these past few weeks.

From the beginning, the cry of this song has resonated with me—the sorrow, the grief, the clinging on to trust, the surrender. And those aspects are still there.

But there is a new emphasis taking the foreground—hope. Not necessarily hope or promise that circumstances are guaranteed to change. But that even if circumstances don’t change, there is vibrant hope available. There is always hope because there is always God.

In my own human understanding, my best case scenario is the resolution of the struggle by absence of the trial. But that is not the only situation that contains hope. It may be that God’s answer to that my situation is “wait” (with an indefinite ending to my sight) or “no”.

And God is asking me, “Will you still hope in Me? Will you treasure Me?” Is my hope in the gift or the Giver? Is my treasure in the easing of the challenge (that I so often feel overwhelmed by) or in the gift of closeness with my Savior and my God?

Previously, the emphasis of my heart in this song has been on the sorrow of surrender (of my plans, hopes, and dreams, as I realize in my own strength I lack full control), with a glimmer of faith in the trial that I can trust God in the midst of the pain and uncertainty.

I do know that He is wise, good, and strong. And that He is there, even when life feels like it is falling apart. This knowing has been mostly head knowledge, with a small flicker of heart engagement.

And God has met me in these past weeks of directing me through His Word and various resources, as well as in the midst of prayers and tears, and is showing me that the hope offered isn’t the consolation prize but is itself the treasure, a truth to be cherished, not as a second rate option but as immensely valuable itself.

It’s not, “Well, if I can’t have my first choice (resolution of the trial by absence of difficulty), at least there’s a little leftover consolation prize in hoping in God, while I grieve “missing out” on the “best” outcome.”

Instead, it is something in the form of, “No matter what happens, whether I get the outcome I think is “best” (from my perspective), there is hope because in both scenarios there is God.” God is equally good and hope can be equally enjoyed in any scenario because God is the same and He is the ultimate treasure in both scenarios. The nuances of each situation will differ and I still in my human nature desire a specific resolution, but both include the presence and beauty of God.

There is a new heart level perspective of trusting that God’s will is good and that there is full hope and full joy still available, come what may. Because the hope is about Him, and He is faithful, unchanging and that He cares.

I know You're able
And I know You can
Save through the fire
With Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow
And I know the hurt
Would all go away
If You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

If I really believe these truths, that He is able and can do all things, and I trust His wisdom and goodness and care for me, then the question “Why doesn’t He?” is less a sorrowful cry or accusation, and more an actual inquiry or introspective question.

If God is wise (and He is), if God cares (I believe He does), then there is a reason behind the length and characteristics of the trial I face. Various reasons could be speculated, mostly in line with discipline of (corrective/refining or preparative/strengthening), the refining of my heart and my faith.

Ultimately the question is, “Will I trust His decision is good and for my good? Will I value Him as the ultimate treasure, above all gifts He could give me (including the resolution of this trial)?”

Silversmiths are very intentional with both the intensity and duration of the heat as they refine the silver in the furnace. Is not God more knowledgeable and loving in the refining He works in our own lives?

https://silentword.org/the-story-of-the-silversmith/

Looking to His character, both revealed in Scripture and throughout history, including His faithfulness to me and the ways He has worked in ways that were beyond my understanding in the past, I will cling to the hope that is in Jesus. And ultimately remember that it is His strength holding on to me that is sustaining me.

You've been faithful
You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can

Challenges vs Resources

In the program, Restore, one of the sections focuses on changing your story from scarcity to abundance.  The brief summary is that we get overwhelmed, not primarily due to the presence of challenges, but because we feel that we lack resources (scarcity) to deal with those challenges. 

However, as we accumulate various tools, we can reframe the dynamic to remind ourselves that though specific scenarios were problematic in the past, we now have tools (abundance) for addressing the situations differently. Therefore, we don't need to live paralyzed by fear of encountering these challenges again.

This really resonated with me, and led me to realize my avoidance-of-challenges tendencies is not solely because problems are unpleasant (though by definition, I generally don't like to choose the unpleasant) but at the core is the fear that I don't personally have access to the necessary resources to face the challenge.

My experience working at a hospital reminds me of this dynamic. The general patient load for the unit was often not the primary indicator for how busy or challenging the day would be.  Instead, the staffing resources (ratio of staff to patients (bonus if we had experienced staff)) was the core indicator.  

There were days that by patient numbers looked like the day should be relatively lowkey--until I saw that we were short-staffed.  And days that looked they would be hectic--but actually ran smoothly due to the amount and experience of the staff at hand that day.

Similarly, stressors happen in life.  However, our success is not based primarily on limiting the number of stressors, but on having the tools and resources we have for handling the stressors that impact our ability to deal with the challenges that come our way.  

Along with this is our perception of the tools and resources we have at our disposal to use.  (Because if you are not aware of the tool (or how to use it), it is significantly less impactful in helping in the midst of challenge.)

Therefore, taking a new inventory of both internal and external resources in making my assessment is a necessary task that I am now embarking on undertaking.

Intuition: Feeling (or Delayed Expression of Reason?)

 Intuition: The faculty of knowing or understanding something without reasoning or proof.

I find it interesting that the subconscious can pick up on something before the conscious can express or define it. We sometimes call it intuition, often implying there isn't an apparent reason or logic for a choice.

And I am wondering now--maybe the emphasis shouldn't be that proof or reasoning is lacking in these cases, but that what is lacking is the apparency. Perhaps this proof or reason is being accessed at a subconscious level (dealing with information, fears, experiences stored in deeper memory storage) and so the overt expression of why is not lacking in substance, but only in immediate availability. This then appears as if the thought is "only a feeling", and gives the impression of not having logic or proof behind it. I've had this happen many times in my life, where I would phrase a situation as, "It doesn't make sense to me, but I feel that I should (or shouldn't) do this thing . . ." It seemed very feeling-based, but many times later on I would have the realization of why my brain had been prompting me toward a certain direction. Instead of there being lack of reason, the actual dynamic was that there was a delay of expression of the reason (ie, being put into words).

Trusting in the Storm

About 5 years ago, my symptoms had exponentially accelerated, producing significant neuro, cardiac and respiratory complications. 

The doctors had no answers on what was wrong or how to treat it--all the tests came back normal, which they would tell me was "good news," though it didn't feel like it, as the symptoms were both worsening and becoming more numerous.  

I was increasingly concerned that due to the rapid, continual progression of my symptoms and the nature of them, I was looking at the potential of death or severely limited functionality in the near future.

Struggle

I was struggling to find God in the midst of this situation. Why wasn't He changing it? Why wasn't He healing me?  In general, I did not want to die--I had my husband, family, and whole life ahead of me. And I had 3 young children--didn't they need their mom?

This song came up randomly in my feed, but it was a Godsend for me.  Not in a fluffy, "now-I'm-at-peace-everything's-okay-no-big-deal" way, but in a way that challenged me to the depths of my being and simultaneously strengthened my soul. 

And challenge me it did--I didn't want to lay down my dreams, my plans, my hopes for how I wanted my life to be--I thought my plans for my life were pretty good (and reasonably moderate).  I was fighting against my disease (whatever it was, as the doctors had no ideas left)--in my own strength.  

But I was also weary--my own strength was not enough. I couldn't overcome my symptoms or change my condition by my strength and willpower. I was wearing out in resilience and hope, both mentally and emotionally.  

Surrender

Surrendering my hopes and dreams to Christ didn't create immediate physical healing in me, nor was it an easy or comfortable process. And a process it is: a continual handing over, surrendering my will to His own.

Trusting and leaning on His strength and wisdom and plans did bring a peace that passes understanding and gave me strength.  It wasn't some blasé "okay, I'll just trust Jesus, no worries" feeling, but a soul-wrenching handing over my control to Him, trusting Him in the darkness and the storm.  And it was only possible by leaning into truths about who He is--His character, His love, His power, His wisdom.

I have come to learn that peace and joy can coexist with pain and sorrow.  I used to think that they were mutually exclusive, but maybe this is part of the "passes-understanding" aspect of God's peace.  It doesn't really make sense to me, even as I write it, this coexistence between peace and pain, but I have experienced this joy that comes from God while also experiencing sorrow. 

It is not some light, fluffy feeling but a soul-strengthening, life-giving sustenance in the midst of trial.  There are ups and downs still. As I said, it is a process. But this peace that passes understanding has been essential in my journey through illness, and all of life. 

Strength

There will always be trials in life, so if we wait for an absence of hardship to experience peace, we will either be waiting a long time or it will be extremely temporary.  

But when we develop a perspective of surrender and trust, remembering who God is--that every day is in His hands and that He never leaves our side, that He loves us and has demonstrated that love by giving His life for us while we were in rebellion against Him, that our very life and breath are daily gifts from Him, that He is the firm foundation and rock that will uphold us through the trials--we will experience the peace and joy, strength and hope that can only come from Him. 

And this is a continual process--truths I need to daily remind myself about daily.  It is not a "one and done" situation, but core foundational truths that must be in place every day and firmly fastened into place.

This perspective doesn't mean that the hardships won't be hard or that the pain won't be painful.  But we will have strength that comes from Him to persevere and even find joy in the midst of it all when we are truly leaning fully on Him, instead of our own understanding. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Three types of miracles in the midst of chronic illness

 

Personal reflections

Long story short, for the last few years I have struggled with various aspects of a difficult and mystifying set of chronic symptoms.  Recently, I came across a possible cause with a corresponding treatment that might greatly reduce or eliminate my symptoms.  Whether or not it works for me, I have heard and seen amazing stories of transformation and I am in awe of the amazing design God in His wisdom has placed in the body to restore function. Specifically, in this case, I am in awe of the neuroplasticity of the brain that enables lost function to be restored through alternate neural networks.  

 

It made me think of the many ways that we take the body's ability to heal for granted, saving the term "miracle" for only the instantaneous.  But the human body itself is such a testament to the intelligent and complex design given by our Creator.  It also got me thinking that God's miracles aren't limited to physical healing, but go much farther beyond.  

So here are my ponderings as I reflect on three types of miracles amid chronic illness.

 

Instantaneous healing. There are times that God shows His power and grace through instantaneous healing.  These are the most obvious miracles--the ones we think of first--and maybe the only ones we think of when the word "miracle" comes up.  They are recorded in Scripture and have been reported at times throughout the world.  A blind man sees, a deaf man hears, a lame man walks again, metastasized cancer disappears, and many other variations. In general, these are unexpected healings, healing that happens apart from medical predictions or interventions. It may be obvious that God's supernatural power is involved, as there is no other explanation that syncs up with the situation.

 

God's design. There are times that God shows His wisdom and grace through His design in creating the human body, specifically the ability for certain parts to heal on their own. The liver can regenerate, broken bones mend themselves, the brain creates new neural networks to recover lost function.  These can often be taken for granted, as "they are just what the body does".  

 

But the Creator of these pathways is the source of these healings as well! Broken table legs don't repair themselves, no matter how long you leave a binding around them. Partially burned buildings don't rebuild themselves over time.  If a cell phone is dropped and the computer is damaged, it won't create new computer pathways to regain its function--though if a programmer were able to create that ability, the intelligence would be a testament ultimately to the designer, not the phone!  Similarly, the human body's design and the ability to heal on its own is an amazing testament to God's wisdom and grace to provide ways for our bodies to heal "naturally."  This "natural" has been designed by the ultimate Supernatural.

 

God's provision in the midst of continued suffering (that is, no physical change). 

At first glance, this is not clearly within the definition of a miracle, and so it is often overlooked. Is it a miracle if an injured or ill person remains ill or injured? 

Where is the miraculous in that?  

And yet, to me, this is in some ways the most amazing miracle of all. Or perhaps the most important miracle of all.  Our bodies are temporary, yet our souls are eternal. That doesn't mean that we don't care about how our bodies feel, as I'll be the first to admit. I strongly prefer health over dysfunction--I've spent the last 5 years endeavoring to optimize my health and regain lost or distorted function.  And yet, if I had to choose between a healthy body or a healthy soul, the second is more valuable by far.  Sure, my first preference would be complete health in all categories, but my heart and soul is of ultimate importance.

 

(As a clarification, brokenness or illness doesn't automatically lead to strength.  Obviously, if it did, I wouldn't be referring to this as a miracle.) 

 

A broken leg, if not aligned properly, can create significant dysfunction and pain.  Similarly, a broken spirit can lead to dysfunction and pain, which manifests as discouragement and frustration, despair and lack of hope, affecting the soul deeply. 

And I think that may be the default route our hearts take apart from a miracle. Our natural response (or at least mine) is to be frustrated, irritated, and discouraged by discomfort, pain, and dysfunction.  And the greater (or longer) the health challenge, the greater the frustration and discouragement, at least in default mode.   And yet we see God at work in the midst of suffering to bring joy and hope to what may seem like a bleak or hopeless situation. And to me that is the ultimate miracle--hope to the hopeless, joy to the discouraged, strength for the weak.  

 

There are many stories of God's grace and provision of hope and strength in the midst of significant challenges, including major health challenges.  Both in the more well-known stories and also in regular individuals whose lives and character were strengthened through their struggles.  There is Paul, who pleads with God to remove an intense challenge from his life, but finds that God's grace is sufficient; there is Joni, who has lived as a quadriplegic for decades, yet has found joy in God's work in and through her life; there is my grandpa, whose series of significant health challenges shaped his gentle and kind spirit, gave him hope that came through spending time with His Savior, and led to a joyful and eager expectation of heaven.

Testimonies of God's grace and mercy, not in the form of physical healing, but in God's work in their hearts and the strength He gave to meet the challenge of chronic illness.

 

I can look back throughout my own life and see God's grace and provision that was not an exemption from the challenge or the pain (though that was my desired form of grace), but the provision of strength, comfort, and joy through His presence.

I can see the daily provision of hope and peace that didn't align with my circumstances but did align with my hope that He would work all things for good.  

 

This is not to say that I delighted in the suffering (I didn't) or always partook of the grace He offered me (also, I didn't).  There are plenty of times that I would revert to looking to my own strength and my own wisdom. I became overwhelmed, irritated, and frustrated with the challenges I faced and the discomfort and problems my illness brought to me.  But Christ has been patient with me. He has gently restored me and He continues to offer His grace and presence when I repeatedly stray away from trusting and relying on Him. 

 

The inevident miracle, the ultimate miracle

For some reason, my understanding of God's power and wisdom causes the first two to make sense to me. Obvious sense. Of course the Creator can restore His creation, healing disease and dysfunction.   Of course He has the wisdom and power to give the body tools to heal itself to heal and regrow (though this is still very amazing to me, awe-inspiring).  But to change mind and soul, to bring light to darkness, hope to despair, life to death? That is the ultimate miracle.  

 

I don't know about you, but I don't usually think of pain or difficulty as a blessing.  And yet often it is in the midst of our hardest circumstances and our greatest brokenness that Christ is at work in our hearts, changing us to see His presence, His power, and His love. Working to create in us more loving hearts, more joyful spirits, resilience in the midst of difficulty.

He is at work in these trials, and though I don't enjoy the hardship that is occurring, I can give thanks for the ways He has brought me through them and look to Him for the daily help and strength that I need.

And I'm encouraged as I hear much greater stories of faith than my own--of those who have gone before me and those who currently struggle with life's challenges and trials but find joy and hope in the Lord. These stories encourage me to keep moving, keep trusting, keep hoping.

 

This new program might help me (some positive signs already, yay!), but either way, my hope is not in this program or in my healing, but in my Savior.  And He will provide for me, whatever comes my way.  He goes before me and is not surprised by the challenges I face.

 

These lyrics from Dustin Kensrue's song "Rejoice" remind me of this truth:

 

All our sickness, all our sorrows

Jesus carried up the hill

He has walked this path before us

He is walking with us still

Turning tragedy to triumph

Turning agony to praise

There is blessing in the battle

So take heart and stand amazed

Rejoice, when you cry to Him He hears

Your voice, He will wipe away your tears

Rejoice, in the midst of suffering

He will help you sing

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and

Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise

Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King

And with trembling rejoice

It Has Been Awhile

I didn't expect when I mentioned that I wouldn't be writing every day that I would take an 8-year hiatus from my blog . . .

(not that it was a very established blog, since I had very few posts to claim) 

Anyway, I've been gone for awhile (figuratively, not literally), but I hope to occasionally add some thoughts and ponderings. Mainly as a digital record for myself (and maybe for my kids to read someday).  But if anyone else is interested in following along or offering insights, you are welcome to tune in 

(or tune out if you're not interested)

(also, apparently I like parentheses)

Self-Awareness and God-Awareness

The following is from a blogpost that Molly Lockwood (from the music duo in the video post earlier) wrote.  This topic is something that I have been recently convicted about and she puts it to words quite well, so I'll just link to her article for now  . . . maybe I'll write my own article on the topic sometime in the future =)

(the boldings are something I added--not to to take credit for the words written, but in case the style is distracting =) )  hyperlink is at the bottom--definitely feel free to go to the original site to read it there!)

SELF-AWARENESS AND GOD-AWARENESS 

Self-awareness, when it is unbalanced with God-awareness, is crippling to the Christian life.

• Self-awareness that is unbalanced- and please hear the emphasis on the word “unbalanced”- turns us inward; God-awareness turns us outward.

• Staring at myself (ultimately) either leads to self-righteousness OR self-hatred.  It is only a dead-end; though marked with interesting discoveries, those discoveries are no means to any end. They cannot diagnose, or give hope, or bring change.

• Staring at Jesus is the only means to a good end.  Jesus is where you and I must go to unearth the deepest realities of our identity, and Jesus is where we must go to find change.

• Self-awareness causes me to ask, after a conversation with someone, “How did she perceive me?” or in a group, “How did they see me?”

• God-awareness causes me to ask, “How does the Father see her?”

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• Self-awareness, at best, turns us outward for our own benefit… groping for feelings of honor, love, understanding, and appreciation.

• God-awareness turns us outward for others’ benefit…propelling us toward those who are marginalized, misunderstood, disliked, scorned.  We seek for others to feel honored, understood, loved, and appreciated.

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• Led by self-awareness, I will love and serve with my reputation at stake, so that I can gorge on a secret comfort-food feast of self-righteousness;

• Led by God-awareness, I will love and serve when no one is watching, or even cares…which brings about true righteousness.

• Self-awareness makes me ‘play-it-safe’ when asked hard questions.

• God-awareness makes me open and honest, because I feel His sustaining mercies swirling around me.  I have nothing to fear under His mercy’s wing.

• Self-awareness moves us toward shallow talk and chit-chat, as we obsess about finding our niche in a circle of people.

• God-awareness moves us toward the urgent and the eternal in conversation- makes us look into a person’s eyes and speak with prophetic confidence words that will edify, in the need of the moment.

• Self-awareness makes us criticize others, because we are either deeply ashamed of our own depravity, or deeply disillusioned about our own greatness.

• God-awareness makes us compassionate toward others, because we realize that His love is the great plumb line, the level, the equalizer of all people.

• Led by Self-awareness, we live afraid that we will mess everything up.

• Led by God-awareness, we live boldly dependent on His resources, sure that they never run out.

• Self-awareness carries an attitude of defensiveness…  always trying to push up to the front of the line and prove ourselves.

• God-awareness produces humility, because we’re so in awe of His beauty that we can’t take our eyes off Him and put them on ourselves, even for a second.

• Isolated self-awareness sees MY NEED right now.

• God-awareness sees the KINGDOM NEED right now.

• Self-awareness robs our thought life… trapping us on a ferris wheel of analysis, critique, philosophies.

• God-awareness liberates our thought life… to be Spirit-led, spontaneous, surprising, and supernatural.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”  John 3:30

Self-Awareness and God-Awareness


Definitely an article I will be rereading and reflecting on in the coming days . . .